Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Le Sigh... or Frustrations of Living with SED

So, the phone rang this morning... it was Little Man. As some of you know, Little Man is away right now, in the hospital receiving long term treatment for his PTSD, OCD, and other problems. He's been in the hospital since January so, as parents we figure 5 months now, shoot he should be doing really well. Then our world crashes down... With Little Man that happens a lot. I know that I posted our evaluation on Story of a Life the other day, and it sounded promising. However, after this phone call - we're worried again. Frustrated and worried. You see, Little Man has had a really, really rough life. He spent eight years in the prison hell that was his mother's egg donor's house - right along with her crack-addicted boyfriends, lovers, and thieves. In his short 14 years, he's been hospitalized 11 times that we know of. He is paranoid, talks to the voices in his head, and sees things that aren't there. He also believes that everyone in our house and elsewhere is out to get him. 
Today's phone call was nothing short of a 30 minute argument with him about what was right and good to do, and what he should avoid. All part of the therapy... but - we're not seeing much more improvement over what it was like before he went. 
Everything with him is a frustration - to the point we want to pull out our hair, and scream at the top of our lungs to the Gods - WHY HIM? 
Why did our child have to go through the horrible experiences, why does Our Guy have to live with the guilt of coming through the abuse and horror relatively unscathed while Little Man suffers? 
Little Man has no self-worth, he feels that everything is his fault, and that he is the reason behind everything that happened to him - if he'd just been born better he wouldn't have gone through what he did... 
My frustration stems from the fact that as a mom, I feel like I should be doing more, to help him. I don't know what the hell I'm doing... but I should be doing more of it... Right?! Yeah, that's going to work... NOT. 
No matter what you say to LM he still argues that No, he's not a good kid, No, he's not really smart - he just heard that amazing fact somewhere - he doesn't really know it. 
As a parent, we pride ourselves in knowing just how to fix things when they go wrong with our kids - and if we can't fix it - we are generally able to find someone who can. In LMs case - this is the biggest misconception we ever had. He's unique and challenging - and has issues that even stump his therapist and doctors daily. 
We were terribly saddened by his call today, but not to the point of giving up the hope we have for his restoration. We'll never, ever give up on that  - but we're beginning to see the depth of his issues now, and that's scary. The doctors aren't hopeful that he'll ever be "normal" whatever the hell that is. They are, however, hopeful that in time Little Man will be able to function enough to live on his own (in a halfway house or transitional situation), hold a job (with a job coach in attendance), and go to college (again with a coach). These are all bright hopes for someone who just two  years ago could not tie their own shoes, or get through a day at school without a major meltdown. So improvement, while slow and painful, is coming. 
I think the biggest issue we have as his parents is that we want  him home, we miss him terribly, and we can't have that right now - because as his therapist says "He's resistant to therapy and help". In his mind, he deserves to feel the way he does. 
We know that this is only temporary, and that in a couple of months LM will be home - but right now, that does not help our feelings and the depth of the hole in our lives without him here. We can only continue to hope and pray that LM will stop resisting and start participating. Therapy right now is his only stop gap too - everything else - school, group, interactions - all improving. His mental state - not so much. Le Sigh....
It's just one of those things that make me feel inadequate as a parent, and that's not a feeling I like. I've had six successes - the other six children are great, four of them grown, two with kids of their own... They've had their problems, but we know beyond a doubt that they'll manage on their own. We're proud of our accomplishments with the rest of the brood - but that is always overshadowed by our seeming failures with Little Man. Thankfully, even the doctors are saying "It is not your fault - you cannot fix this at home". Doesn't make us feel much better, but it's a salve to a mother's broken heart. 
So, if you pray - say a prayer for Little Man today. If you don't pray, send some positive energy, thoughts, or love his way - he could use all he can get! 
As always - thanks for stopping by!!! 


Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

Oh, sweet lady, my heart is breaking for you. I know you must be in so much pain right now without LM there with you. I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling. I know NOTHING I say is going to take away any of the pain or make you feel the least bit better but I'm definitely going to give it a try!

The doctors are absolutely correct! It is NOT your fault and there is nothing in the world you could have done for this poor child at home. It sounds like he suffered so very much BEFORE he came to live with you and be your son. That is something you can not blame yourself for. You are to be commended for agreeing to take this child. You could have said no, a lot of people would. Instead, you have given him a FAMILY, along with a wonderful home, plenty of food to eat, nice clothes to wear, toys to play with, etc. You have placed him in school so he can learn, you sought necessary medical and psychological treatment for him so he can get better but, most of all, YOU HAVE LOVED HIM UNCONDITIONALLY, just like moms are supposed to!! I bet most every one of those things I have listed are things he's never experienced before in his short life, especially that last one.

Elizabeth, do not beat yourself up or feel that you are inadequate in any way. You said it yourself, you have raised 6 children with complete success. When you've done that, you don't just forget how to be a mom on the 7th, no matter how hard the task! You are doing a great job with LM. You just have to give HIM time to get passed his past. Of course, some of that 'stuff' he is dealing with will never go away. But in time, as he grows older and continues in therapy, he will learn new coping skills and will know how to handle situations better. I promise, he WILL be success number 7! :0)

Thank you for stopping by my blog today and for leaving such a sweet, sweet message. You are such an amazing encouragement and inspiration for ME! I don't know how you do what you do, but I'm glad there are people out there who do. Your children are blessed to have a mom who cares as much as you do. The world needs more moms like you.

I saw, too, where you said you were now 'following' me but I don't see your name anywhere on my Google Friends Connect. Is that how you are following me? I hope you'll come by again soon to visit. I am your newest 'Follower' and I will definitely be back soon to read more about you and your precious family.

I hope you ALL have a wonderfully blessed week!


Teresa <><

Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

BTW, just a tidbit of advice. If you are wanting more 'Followers', I would recommend moving your 'Google Friend Connect', which is currently at the bottom of this page, to a more prominent place on your blog. Right now, it is VERY hard to see and it could be why you only have a couple of followers so far. I would put it somewhere towards the top of your blog, in the lighter shaded area so it is more visible. Just a thought.


Teresa <><

Mrs. Adventure said...

You and Little man will be in my daily prayers...

"Queen" Vic said...

Stopping by from SITS -

It sounds like your heart is in the right place, exactly what Little Man needs.
You are trying to do the best for him, and that helps tremendously.

Keep your chin up and know that nothing worth doing is easy.

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