Friday, March 26, 2010

Dumbfounded... at least

As I've stated before, I love blogging, and I love bloggers. Today I was tooling about the internet searching for new mommy/daddy/parenting blogs to check out when I stumbled across this gem of a blog. The Bean Blog is written by the mom of five kids, who not only works full time, but attends school part time. But it wasn't so much the overall theme of the blog that grabbed me and sucked me in... it was the first post I read that got me... The post is titled "In an Instant" and it's profound to parents of all walks of life - to any parent, any where, at any time... it deals with death - specifically the death of a child. A beautiful 16 year old girl, taken too soon, causes unknown. 
The post got me to thinking... What would I do if I lost one of my kids... how would I react? Devastation does not even begin to describe the emotions that come to mind. Christine put those thoughts into words in a way I probably cannot do justice... 
But I totally have to say my piece... or at least try.
I lost my dad when I was 12... I know how I felt as a child losing a parent. I could not imagine if those circumstances were opposite. 
I know that we had a very close call with my son when he was just 18 months old... a common cold turned into double-pneumonia in the middle of the night, and I was horrified. It was the first time one of my children was hospitalized...I was 22 and had NO clue what I was going to do. I sat by his bed for the entire 48 hours he was there - alone. I had noone to comfort me, no body to take a turn at his bedside so I could eat, shower, sleep, or even pee. I did not complain, but I did pray. Constantly - I begged God not to take my only son... I bargained, I plead, and I cried. Still I don't know what I would have done had he not made it... 
All I know now, is that I appreciate my kids more because of that one experience. I also know that losing my dad at a young age - and my DH losing his mother at a  young age - profoundly affected the way we interact with our children. We are a huggy-feely type family. Our kids KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that we love them, we tell them all the time. We hug them, kiss them, and embarrass them, even in front of their friends...because we know the guilt that goes along with losing a parent... Did he know I loved him? Did I say good bye? What did I do wrong? Does this mean he didn't love me? 
I thought all those things and more when my father passed away - and I don't ever want my children to wonder if I know they love me... I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt, that deep down, all seven of them love me deeply and would be devastated beyond belief if I died tomorrow. However, this still does not give me anything to go on in response to how I would feel if one of them dies before me. 
Its not something that I want to think about as a parent... I want to stick my head in the sand and say "It can't happen to me" and pray that it never does... Even so - I will never be prepared... 
As Christine reminds us in her post - love your kids... keep them close, hug them daily, and never, ever, let them forget how much you love them.


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